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It was a late Friday afternoon at the Agency. As he walked to the Q Bureau door, Lee Stetson flipped his keys around his forefinger impatiently. He'd just talked with Billy Melrose about an unexpected surveillance job that needed to be done tomorrow. Nothing heavy, but since Lee was familiar with the people involved, Billy had asked him to either do it or find a suitable replacement. Normally Lee'd have shrugged his shoulders, mumbled something about having to work on the weekend, and done it. Not this time, though. This weekend he had Crump's cabin and a date with Leslie O'Connor. They'd been dating for almost three months now, and it was the most stable romantic-type relationship he'd known in a long time.
Leslie was different. She was sweet, unassuming and undemanding. Also, she was highly plugged into the Washington political scene so they had a lot in common. In addition, there was a domestic side to her he found surprisingly appealing. This lady had brains, beauty and warmth... a rare and endangered combination in Lee's thinking. With all that was going for the relationship however, something was lacking.
What exactly that was, Lee wanted to discover this weekend when he and Leslie could spend some time all to themselves. It wasn't their conversations that left him restless. They were usually very interesting since they both shared a certain knowledge of the world and Washington's place in it. It wasn't her lack of beauty or physical attraction. That spoke for itself when heads turned as she entered a room. And it wasn't the sex. That was fine too. Fine, fine. For some reason he found that word very irritating. For the first time in his life, fine just wasn't enough. The looks were fine. The attraction was fine. The sex was fine. So what the hell was wrong?
As he arrived at the Q Bureau door, he shook his head and prepared himself to try and persuade his partner, Amanda King, to take over the surveillance job. Hopefully she wouldn't have a baseball game or bake sale to attend. He knew he'd better be pretty convincing. Lately, she'd been rather distant. That seemed odd. Granted, there hadn't been as many of their spontaneous lunches or popping out of her shrubbery that used to occur before he'd met Leslie, but work had gone as usual. In fact, he'd complimented her several times lately on her ability to grasp new facts and situations quickly. He was really beginning to admire her common sense approach. Gone were the days when he considered her a hairbrained housewife whose contributions were at best lucky guesses. She'd become a very important part of his life. He found himself really caring about what she and her family went through. He trusted her completely, something he'd allowed himself to feel for only one or two other people. Her loyalty was to him... not the system.
At first Lee had wondered if Amanda was jealous of Leslie, but Amanda knew he'd dated lots of different women during the time they'd known each other. Also, Leslie and Amanda were a lot alike. They seemed to get along quite well the few times they had all been together. Leslie especially seemed to enjoy having Amanda around, and didn't appear upset that he'd slipped and called her by Amanda's name a couple of times. Yes, indeed, Leslie was a very understanding woman. Amanda should approve of that. Maybe he would even have someone to spend Thanksgiving with.
As Lee entered the room, Amanda was putting the final touches on the week's filing. "Hi, there," he said with a smile. "Finishing up?"
"Yeah," she replied, looking up from the files.
"Oh, Amanda," he began slowly. "Something's come up and I was wondering if you'd be able to handle a surveillance job for me this weekend. It's a light one. Shouldn't take more than a couple of hours."
"Anything important?" Amanda asked.
"Not really. I'd need to brief you on the people, but that wouldn't take long."
"Could one of the new trainees handle it?" she inquired as she leaned back on the desk and folded her arms.
"Sure," he replied. "I just thought that if you were free it would give you some more hands-on experience."
A small knowing smile crept over Amanda's face. "Give me more experience? Lee, you know I passed my Level B surveillance test two months ago, and need Level C experience, not Level B. Sounds to me like you've got plans for the weekend and want out of an assignment."
Lee saw she wasn't buying the "this is in your best interest" approach, so he decided to try for sympathy and understanding. That had worked pretty well with her in the past.
"As a matter of fact I do," he said, trying to put on his best boyish grin. "Leslie and I have plans to go to a cabin this weekend. You know, get away from it all... experience nature. We've planned it for a couple of weeks now. I'd hate to disappoint her and call it off."
"You're right," Amanda replied, nodding her head and pursing her lips. "She's probably been looking forward to it, and it would be a disappointment to break your plans. However, I have plans for this weekend too, and I really don't care to break them either. They sound a lot like yours. Will Stanley and I are going fishing. Been looking forward to it for three weeks now. Same thing as you... cabin... nature... getting away."
"Oh, yeah?" Lee replied in a surprised tone. "Who's Will Stanley?"
"I met him at Phillip's bicycle safety class a few months ago. His wife died two years back and left him with a daughter a little older than Phillip. After the class was over, Phillip got into a long-winded discussion with him, and we all ended up going out for ice cream. The boys think he's great. Sometimes we have trouble leaving on a date for all their questions and comments."
"You've been dating him all this time and haven't said anything to me about it?"
Amanda looked at him rather oddly. "I don't remember you telling me about Leslie. Seems to me I found out about her through some inquiries about my dress."
"Well, no," Lee replied rather sheepishly as he shifted from foot to foot. "I guess I just assumed I'd know if you were steadily dating someone, especially for over two months. I mean it used to come up in our conversations over coffee or something."
"Used to is right," Amanda countered with a direct stare. "We haven't been having those cups of coffee lately. And maybe, Lee," she added rather thoughtfully, "sometimes you assume too much. I'm your partner, but I'm also a woman who likes to go and do. So this weekend while Mother takes the boys to Concord, Will and I are going to get away together."
"Wait a minute," Lee stammered. "You mean the boys aren't going with you?"
While Amanda shook her head, Lee continued. "I mean you just said the kids really like the guy. I just thought..."
As she raised her eyebrows and slowly began to smile, Lee stopped himself in mid-sentence."
"Not this weekend, Stetson. It's adults only. So I guess you'll have to find someone else to rescue you." She started toward the door and then turned quickly. "Oh, by the way, if you do go to the cabin, don't do anything I wouldn't. Bye, now."
As Amanda strolled out of the room with a mischievous grin on her face, Lee felt as if someone had dumped cement in his shoes and thrown him overboard. Amanda was going away on an "adult" weekend with a guy he didn't know anything about. What was their relationship like? It must be serious. Amanda didn't just go away on weekends. Lee sank slowly in his chair. The concern for his weekend was gone, and irritation and a slow panic were rising in his chest over her weekend.
Amanda was going away. Amanda was going away. Damn it! Some guy was taking his Amanda away on a weekend, and she had told him not to do anything she wouldn't. What the hell was that supposed to mean, and who was Will Stanley that he could just waltz into Lee's life and do this to him?
The twinkle in Amanda's eye and the grin on her face lasted only as long as it took her to leave the room and make it to the powder room. Her facade crumbled as she buried her face in her hands. She felt like a knife was twisting in her gut and more alone than anyone should ever have to feel.
Lee was taking Leslie away for the weekend. That was bad enough, but over the years Amanda had trained herself to read Lee's slightest movements. Something in his manner today told her this weekend was important to him... more important than the others. She wished she could be happy for him. If Lee hadn't been involved, Leslie was the type of person Amanda could really like. She had many good qualities and seemed to be good for Lee. But the truth was, their continuing relationship had made Amanda face the fact that Lee meant more to her than she wanted to admit.
She loved him. She was in love with him, and she felt like she was losing him. She'd tried very hard these past few months not to let him see that. She'd even pulled away from him some in hopes the space would help take away the pain. That was why she'd started dating Will. Not that he wasn't attractive and fun. He was a lot like Lee in may ways. The trouble was, Will wasn't Lee. However, the time they'd spent together had helped to keep her mind off what Lee and Leslie might be doing. She guessed the old saying "Nothing like a new love to help you get over an old love" might have some truth to it. But it sure didn't help when the old love shared an office with you.
She hadn't told Lee the whole truth about her weekend. She wondered if he would be concerned about what they might do together at the cabin. Lee had looked like the wind had been knocked out of him a little with that last comment of hers.
The weekend was a retreat at Will's church for both singles and married couples. Due to the type of facilities, the men would sleep in one cabin and the women in another. Romance would be kept to some hand-holding and perhaps a goodnight kiss. That was just fine with her, because it was really all she could handle at the moment.
Not that she hadn't had some nice romantic evenings with Will; but with this new development, Amanda really didn't know her own emotions. Will had been very much the gracious gentleman up till now, and hadn't pressured her in any way. In fact, one evening when things seemed to be getting a little heavy, he had pulled away first. And, like her, he believed in practicing what he taught his child. They were still human, however, and there was a definite attraction between them.
Right now Amanda felt a little too human and a little too shaky to trust her resolve. She desperately missed the closeness she and Lee once shared, and more than one lonely person had fallen into another one's bed in an attempt to fill an emotional void with a physical act. Things were developing quickly on Will's part in his feelings towards her and she didn't want this weekend to be the time either of their resolves broke down and something happened they would later regret. And she knew she would regret it.
She also knew that she could not continue to work with Lee if he and Leslie moved in together or married. That meant losing not only him but her job as well. And how was she going to do that without letting on to the truth?
Oh, well, she thought dejectedly. Maybe he wouldn't even care. He can always find someone to do his paperwork, and for years he fought the idea of working with a partner. These thoughts made her feel even worse. With a great effort, she washed her face and pulled herself together. Fortunately, she had already finished her work so she could just go home. As she entered the hallway, her one prayer was that she would not meet Lee somewhere and have to resume her cheerfulness.
Please, God, just get me to my car without seeing him. Please just get me there in one piece.
Lee turned over in bed and gazed at the light filtering through the drapes. He stared at it for awhile and then rolled onto his back to look at the ceiling. His mind and feelings were, at best, a big void. He'd pulled the weekend off only by his self-trained ability to put on a good performance.
Once again, everything had gone as usual; only this time it hadn't been fine. The actions were there but with them was also the emptiness that had plagued him for so many years. He'd had a very difficult time in the physical department this weekend, and only through sheer determination had anything happened at all. When he did hold Leslie, it was Amanda who filled his mind. He couldn't forget that "Don't do anything I wouldn't" statement. It was like having a nightmare about a phonograph record that kept skipping, and he couldn't find where to turn it off.
Determined to shake these feelings, he struggled out of bed and put on his clothes. He glanced over at Leslie as he left the room and noticed how her dark hair fell over her shoulders in gentle curls. Was Will looking at Amanda the same way?
Lee shut the door quickly in order to erase the scene from his mind. He moved quietly across the room and out to the porch. As the crisp air hit his face, his thoughts began to fall into place.
Okay, Stetson, he said to himself. You came up here to find out what was lacking in your relationship with Leslie, and now it's time you face what you've discovered. What's lacking is Amanda. That's what attracted you to Leslie in the first place. She was so much like Amanda, but safe. Yeah, safe. Face it. Deep down inside you've known for a long time that Amanda is what you've been looking for, and it scared the socks off you when you found it. You ran in the other direction, pushed her away. Now you're even dating someone who is, in many ways, just like her. You want to have what she has but don't want to make the required commitment to have her in your life in any position other than friend. You're scared of taking the chance and scared of losing that chance. In fact, the thought of losing that chance is what has been driving you crazy all weekend.
Every time you look at Leslie you see Amanda. You start to reach for Leslie and you think of Will reaching for Amanda. So you stop, as if that will somehow keep them separate, and curse that you care so much. So you once again reach for Leslie and try to prove to yourself that you can go on as usual. You can shelve your feelings and be happy with whatever the moment brings. After all, performance is the most important thing, right?
Once again the emptiness threatened to overwhelm him. Performance. Was there ever going to be a time when he could let his guard down and say he'd just like to be held? Would romantic moments ever come easily and free of the need to perform or prove? Would he ever be willing to risk it all to have the close relationship he'd barely even allowed himself to dream of?
He had seen the questioning look in Leslie's eyes. Unfortunately, he was helpless to do or say anything to answer her. Instead, he'd simply tried a joke or a hug combined with one of his many interesting tales attached. It hadn't fooled her, and he knew it.
The sound of the screen door opening behind him made Lee turn around. Leslie stood before him dressed in her bathrobe. She carried two coffee cups in her hands. As she handed him one, she smiled and motioned for him to join her on the swing. As they sat down, Leslie settled her cup on her knee and looked up.
"You've been out here for over an hour staring at that mountain and pacing back and forth on this porch. Does this have anything to do with Amanda?"
Her bluntness surprised him so much that he looked up directly into her eyes. His first reaction was denial, but her face told him she already knew the truth. Still, he was too used to running away to change quickly.
"Why would you ask that?" he responded.
"Well, my first clue was the way you barked at Francine over the phone when you told her you gave the weekend assignment to Adams. Discussing Adams was okay, but the words, 'She had a date' could have frozen ice in an oven," Leslie replied with a strange smile.
"You know, Lee, ever since the day I first met Amanda, I've felt there was something right under the surface with you two. Maybe it was the way she peered around the corner into your apartment while we were talking. She seemed to have some vested interest in what was going on. You two seemed platonic enough, but there was always a 'what if' in my mind. It was my one reservation about our relationship. It may surprise you, but one of the reasons I was really looking forward to this weekend to convince myself I was wrong all this time, and that I could finally put all the puzzle pieces together and really feel like we had a chance for something permanent. You know, you're the first really intense relationship I've had since my husband died. I was hoping... but I guess not," she whispered with a wan smile.
Lee could only look down at his coffee cup. He'd long since quit looking her in the eye. He was used to getting to the core of matters just as long as they didn't deal with him. This was too close to home.
"You know, there's a part of me that wants to keep on pretending... to keep hoping. But your silence has answered my question," Leslie continued.
"I'm sorry," Lee sighed. He was surprised, not only at her candor but that she'd looked forward to the weekend for the same reason he had.
"I had no idea my feelings were that obvious. I thought I'd trained myself better than that," he joked in an attempt to lighten the mood. He wished desperately he could say something to make her feel better. She was a wonderful person, and deserved much better than this end to their relationship.
"Well, the real clue came last night."
Lee looked up totally baffled.
"I don't expect you to remember," Leslie continued. "After we were together for the first real time this weekend, you let your guard down as you drifted off to sleep. You drew me closer, smiled softly, and literally breathed Amanda's name. It was almost as if all your defenses were down."
She could tell Lee was surprised, so she smiled sadly and said, "At least it happened after, not during, our time together. For that much I am grateful."
With that statement, she rose and walked to the cabin door. Just before entering, she turned once again to face him, and Lee saw tears begin to form in her eyes.
"Lee, for ten years I had a wonderfully intimate relationship with my husband. I hope to have another one, but if I don't, at least I'll have some wonderful memories. As much as this hurts to say, I wish you and Amanda the best. I only hope you're both brave enough to reach out for something that might be what you're both looking for. It may not be, but you'll never know unless you try. I'm going to get dressed now. I'd like to go back after breakfast, please."
Lee nodded slowly in reply.
The next few weeks went by in a blur. Lee and Amanda had both returned on Monday to discover the results of the surveillance had opened many questions. The people involved had met with some politically important figures under circumstances that put the security of certain military operations in doubt. They worked almost around the clock, and Lee had overheard Amanda cancel a couple of dates with Will.
In reply to Amanda's casual question of how his weekend had gone, Lee surprised himself by replying that it had raised a few questions and, hopefully, that they would have some answers by the time Leslie returned after a couple of months' business travel. That was the conclusion they'd reached though he thought they already knew the answers, but both of them also wanted to keep a door open just in case. Lee hoped it was not just wishful thinking on his part when he saw a glimmer of interest in Amanda's eyes. He also hoped it was more than just the busy work schedule that had her canceling some of her dates.
He knew she'd met Will for coffee a couple of times. That grated on his nerves, but he was helpless to know what to do about it. He wanted to tell her not to go, but he was at a loss to give an explanation why. At least the distancing Amanda had practiced for awhile seemed to be disappearing. In fact, the other day when he'd come into the office, there was a plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies on his desk. Mrs. West had made them, and Amanda had brought him some.
On Tuesday morning the group gathered for their weekly status meeting. Some undercover work needed to be done at a few resort hotels in the Caribbean. Sources revealed that terrorists were posing as newlyweds to pass information along a grapevine. Fortunately for the Agency, one of their contacts was a chambermaid who had stumbled onto radio equipment packed away in the "honeymooners" luggage.
It was the perfect set up. Most people gave honeymooners a wide berth and only smiled at their inquisitive questions and long hours in their suites.
The Agency decided to send three teams to three different islands. One team was exchange agents from Mexico. Amanda and Lee were team two and everyone in the room had to stifle a grin or laugh at Francine's look of horror on being assigned to work with Beeman for group three. Beeman, on the other hand, just grinned, even though Francine uttered a grim warning on her way of the Conference room.
"Beeman, you get any ideas about making this assignment into a real honeymoon, and your chart will read, 'Dead due to overactive imagination!'"
The flight down to the island went well. The weather was beautiful and Lee had been here before and enjoyed telling Amanda about the island. She seemed to respond with interest, and the mood almost returned to the old relaxed way between them.
The only thorn in Lee's side was that when they'd returned to the office after the meeting, Amanda called Will to cancel another date. Evidently, it had been an important one, because she had apologized profusely. She'd even turned to Lee and, in a very unusual request, asked if she could have some privacy to finish the call. He, of course, complied; but warning bells rang in his mind that, if he was ever going to make a move, this time of getting her away might be his last chance. He began making plans.
The first step went well. When making hotel reservations, he found only one available room. It was a suite with two bedrooms. That would lessen the pressure on sleeping arrangements and keep him off the couch. He wanted to court, not pressure her. If ever he had to move carefully, it was now.
Amanda was also having hopes about this assignment. Will was being transferred in his job and was moving in two weeks. The date she'd canceled was to have been their final one before he left. She had only wanted to say her good-byes in private. He'd told her the weekend of the retreat, and their coffee breaks had been spent enjoying the last days of their friendship. They both agreed that even though they really liked each other's company, their relationship had been too short for any serious commitment to be made. They would part friends and leave the door open for whatever the future might bring.
Amanda had also noticed Lee paying more attention to her. There was no mention of Leslie, and she began to relax a little. There were two more weeks until Leslie was due back. She intended to work them to her advantage.
As the plane landed and they disembarked, Lee reached out to help her down the last few steps. His hand gripped her arm and then slid down to grasp her hand. She noticed it stayed there until they got to the luggage claim station.
During the drive to the hotel, they began playing the newlyweds' role. She snuggled up next to him in the taxi as Lee pointed out the various points of interest. There were exchanges of "honey" and "sweetheart" and a knowing smile on the taxi driver's face.
After they arrived and checked into their hotel, the bellboy showed them to their room. It was large and airy, with a distinct Caribbean flavored decor. The large sitting room came complete with kitchen and bar. On the far wall, a double set of sliding glass doors opened into a balcony with a panoramic view of hills and ocean. The two bedrooms were off either side of the sitting room, with their own sliding doors to the porch. Amanda walked out onto the balcony and stood for a long while taking in the view.
"How do you like it?" Lee called from inside.
"It's breathtaking," she replied.
Lee moved quietly up behind her, watching the warm breeze ruffle her hair and the full skirt of her light blue cotton dress. It had been hard to put her down after carrying her across the threshold for the benefit of the people in the hallway. His thoughts were interrupted by their phone ringing. As he answered it, Amanda moved inside with an inquisitive look on her face.
"Hello?" he said.
"Lee, it's Billy. You're not going to believe this, but the police already have the people you're supposed to watch in custody. The Mexican agents got a real hot lead only a couple of hours after arriving at their hotel. They caught the terrorists literally in the act and had enough information to contact the police and get an immediate arrest."
"You mean we just got here and it's over?" Lee almost shouted in an unbelieving voice. He could just imagine having to catch the next plane home and all his plans concerning Amanda going down the tubes. Not only that, but she'd be home in time to go out on that date with Will. As he looked over at her, she sat slowly down on the couch, with an unreadable expression on her face.
"Well, yes and no," was Billy's reply. "Yes, the assignment is pretty well wrapped up except for you and Amanda helping the officials with the paperwork needed for deportation back to the States. But no, you're not to come home yet. A memo just came down from Dr. Smyth connecting the Pentagon's concern about Castro's influence in the Mideast crisis. You can stop the pretense of a honeymoon couple. Just relax and enjoy the next few days by reaquainting with old sources and updating their status so they can be contacted quickly. I'm faxing you a coded sheet to update you on their locations. Also, get a feel for the American sentiment down there. The room's prepaid, and we've already flown you down, so we might as well make use of the time. Nothing's going on up here right now. You'd only be flying back to paperwork. See you on Monday."
Amanda looked perplexed as Lee turned from the phone, grinning from ear to ear.
"How would you like as close to an Agency-sponsored vacation as they come?" he asked.
"What?" was her baffled reply.
He explained what Billy had said, and what the next few days could hold if they were lucky. "How do days filled with meeting old contacts, talking to the natives and shopping at the local markets sound to you? Add to that, nights of warm breezes, walks along the beaches and dinner under the stars?" Lee asked with a mischievous grin. "Oh, by the way, we can drop the first time honeymooner bit and make it just a couple on a fun vacation. Or a second honeymoon?"
Amanda couldn't believe her ears. No major pretense. No real assignment. Just having fun with Lee for three days. They'd never had this type of opportunity before.
"When and where do we start?" was her laughed reply as she bounded off the couch and grabbed her purse.
The next few days were wonderful. Lee had never been so attentive, and Amanda noticed that he was usually touching her in some gentle manner.
The first day was sufficient to contact the informants. They scratched off part of their list due to death or to people moving off the island. The American sentiment was about half and half, so they made notes on both the positive and negative findings. That evening they dined in their suite and took a chartered moonlight cruise around a local bay.
The next day they spent shopping at the local markets and chatting with the locals. Without Lee knowing it, Amanda noticed him looking at one particular dress on a mannequin at one of the fancier shops.
"Like it?" she asked as she slipped up behind him.
"Yeah," was his reply. "You know, I think it would look great on you," he continued. "Why don't you try it on?"
"Well, first off," Amanda said looking at the price tag. "Even if it did fit, it's too expensive for my pocketbook. And second, I wouldn't really have too many places to wear it back home. It would probably be a one-time thing."
"Oh, Amanda. Don't be so sensible," Lee retorted. "You're right. It is a little steep, so what if I buy it for you as a gift?" Immediately, he knew he'd said the wrong thing.
The sensible statement had hurt. As Amanda lowered her eyes, she said, "Is it always your habit to buy women dresses?"
Lee could have kicked himself. Here things had been going really great, and he had not only hurt her feelings, but had brought up something to remind her of Leslie.
"No, as a matter of fact I don't, but it seems to me that I was rather callous a little while back in telling you how pretty you looked on one of our assignments and then wanting another woman to look the same way. Believe it or not, that really was a compliment in more ways than one, but I realize how it must have sounded. I'm sorry. I'd like to make it up to you. We have two more nights and one more day here. I want it to be fun for both of us. How about if you try on the dress and, if it fits, you can wear it for dinner and dancing tonight. We'll go over the Agency limit. It'll be my treat."
As Amanda looked into his eyes, she could tell that he really was sorry, so she agreed to both requests.
Later that evening, as Lee looked at her across the table, he could not ever remember her looking so lovely. Her hair was piled up on her head with soft curls teasing both her face and neck. The dress was white eyelet, and set off her dark features beautifully. It was one of those corset dresses that laced up the front, with straps that gently fell off her shoulders. The skirt was full and fell softly around her legs after accentuating her small waistline. He made a vow to himself that Amanda wouldn't have to worry about this dress being a "one time thing". If need be, he'd seek out places for her to wear it when they returned home.
Amanda looked up from her salad and caught Lee staring at her. Instead of looking away as he had usually done in the past, he just smiled. There was something about it that sent shivers down her spine. She knew she looked good in the dress. She just wished she knew where to go from here.
As the evening progressed, they laughed and talked. Lee kept the conversation lively with many of his tall tales. Amanda let him get by with most of them but every once in a while she gave him her "Don't give me that line, Stetson" look which usually made him grin boyishly and say, "Okay, okay, maybe it wasn't exactly that way."
The band began to play, and as they went to the dance floor Lee folded her into his arms. His hand gently guided her up next to him, and he laid his cheek next to hers. Occasionally he pulled back just enough to smile down at her or nuzzle the side of her face.
Amanda was trying very hard to keep her thoughts and feelings in check, but it wasn't easy. If only she knew about Leslie. It seemed that once again Lee had moved on, but her return date was still marked on his calendar.
They danced and talked for another hour before Lee suggested a walk on the beachfront pier. It was pretty deserted this time of night and the couples who were out were too interested in each other to bother with what was going on around them.
They stopped next to the walkway railing and gazed at the moon rising over the ocean. The breeze picked up, and Amanda rubbed her shoulders with her hands.
"Chilly?" Lee asked.
"A little," she replied as he came up behind her and covered her arms with his.
"Better?" he murmured.
"Hmm, yeah," she whispered, leaning back against him slightly.
"Amanda," Lee began, "I've enjoyed these past two days. It's been nice just being with you."
"Well, thank you very much. I've had a good time too. It's been the best vacation I've had in a long time."
Turning her around, Lee looked pointedly in her eyes and asked, "Even better than the fishing weekend with Will?"
As Amanda looked up at him she whispered, "I could ask the same thing about Leslie."
With that comment, Lee took both of her arms and placed them around his waist. Drawing her close, he looked into her eyes and with a slow smile said, "Much better than the weekend with Leslie. Amanda, I'm not planning any more Leslie weekends or dates. We agreed to think things over while she's travelling, and these past few weeks, especially these past few days, have made me realize what was missing in our relationship."
"Missing?" Amanda whispered as her heart began to pound. "There's no more Leslie?"
Lee shook his head slowly and reached out to tenderly kiss her forehead. "Nope, no more Leslie. And what about Will?"
"There's no more Will. Lee, that phone call before we left was canceling what was supposed to be our last big date. Will's been transferred to another area, and he'll be gone by this time next week. I simply wanted to say my goodbyes in private. He told me about it the weekend we went fishing. We knew we didn't have much time left together, so we decided to make the most of it with the coffee breaks. He's a nice guy, a lot of fun, and I do enjoy being with him. But not as much as with you."
From Lee's reaction, she could tell her caring for Will and mentioning the weekend really bothered him. "Lee, there's something you should know about the weekend with Will," she said meekly.
She watched Lee mentally brace himself for the next comment. "The weekend was an adult retreat of Will's church. We were with ten other couples. The women slept in one cabin and the men in another."
Shock and amazement spread all over Lee's face. "You mean you and Will were with twenty other people? You weren't snuggled up together in some cabin in front of some fireplace?"
As she nodded up and down then sideways, Lee continued in amazement. "You mean I spent the whole weekend at Crump's cabin not being able to touch Leslie without thinking of Will touching you...? You mean... of course I just assumed..."
A broad smile spread across Amanda's face. Hugging him tightly she said, "I told you that sometimes you assume too much." Then with a twinkle in her eye, she continued in a very firm voice. "Lee Stetson, did anyone every tell you how the word 'assume' can be broken down?"
Lee looked stunned. "You did that on purpose. You led me to believe..."
"I told you the truth," she interrupted. "It was an all-adult weekend, and since I wasn't going to be sleeping with Will, I definitely didn't want you to do anything I wasn't."
Lee had to laugh. Her attempt to foil his weekend had worked! "Well, you got your wish, or almost got your wish. Believe me. That weekend will not go down in the annals of great romantic encounters." And smiling sheepishly, he continued. "I think it had something to do with me mumbling 'Amanda' at a rather inappropriate time."
Amanda stood, speechless. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry or both. The weekend she'd feared so much had been a failure. Instead of tearing her and Lee apart, it had actually worked to bring them closer together.
"You called her my name? You actually called her Amanda? Oh, Lee, that poor woman. That's really sad." However, with the word sad, Amanda burst into giggles. "I mean, I spent the whole weekend with Will trying not to think of you two. I mean, I just assumed..."
Lee drew back and looked very stern. "Amanda King, has anyone ever told you how the word 'assume' can be broken down?"
With that statement, they both broke into peals of laughter as weeks of anxiety fell off their shoulders.
A couple of hours later found the new couple cuddling on an overstuffed couch on the porch of their hotel suite, with Amanda snuggled up next to Lee with her head on his shoulder and her face buried in his neck. The serenity and peace that they felt as they watched the moon rise over the ocean and listened to the lapping of the waves on the shore below were almost overwhelming.
Lee felt that for the first time in his life the pretense was dropping. The past few hours had been a clearinghouse of misconceptions over Leslie and Will. It seemed they had both been dating substitutes for each other. That knowledge helped Lee to grasp and understand Amanda's different behavior recently. Never before had he been as open with anyone. Instead of feeling vulnerable, he felt more free than he had in a long time. Years of loneliness and insecurities were being peeled away layer by layer.
Amanda raised her eyes and smiled up at him as she rested her head on his shoulder. Her right hand slid along his shoulder and cupped his face. She couldn't remember ever feeling so safe or secure. Granted, Lee had not said the words "I love you", but she was sure she'd hear them in due time. It had taken almost three years to get to this point. She could be patient a little longer. With all that Lee had shared with her the past couple of hours, she realized he'd had a lot to overcome and still had a long way to go when it came to discussing his innermost feelings. She had no doubt that he was reaching out to her but with a hesitancy that only time and trust would overcome.
His kisses had been gentle yet strong at first. As the evening progressed, they'd become searching and inquisitive, demanding a response out of her, yet never pushing her beyond what she was willing to give. The question facing her now was just what was she willing to give? Amanda knew it would be so easy to give everything, but she also knew the risks involved.
Lee had a reputation. The last thing she wanted was to be just one of his many women. He was looking for something different than he'd experienced with all his previous relationships and she intended to be that something different. While these thoughts ran through her mind, Lee once again began to nuzzle her neck and shoulders.
Amanda very seldom wore strapless or off-the-shoulder dresses, but tonight convinced her that she should add more to her wardrobe if they got this good a response out of Lee. She'd have to let him buy her dresses more often.
As his mouth again found hers, the earlier resolves faded in the background. Her body seemed to have a mind of its own. With great effort, she managed to break the clutch. Then, placing two fingers on Lee's chest, she pushed him back a little to give her some breathing room.
"Time out. Breathing break required," she teased.
Lee laughed. "Oh? And I thought you were enjoying it."
"Well, let's just say I think we need to start talking again before certain lines are crossed," she responded.
"Okay," he smiled as he loosened his grip and lay back against the cushions. Amazingly enough, he was enjoying the way she managed to clue him on what the boundaries were without being stuffy about it. She asked for respect and trusted him to give it.
"Lee," Amanda began in a serious tone. "Tonight has been wonderful. I think we have a really good start on something, but we've both been hurt or confused over events these past few months because we just assumed something about the other one without checking it out. I'd like for us to have some guidelines to this new part of our relationship so it can grow as smoothly as possible. One of the things we need to talk about is where to draw the lines on a few things. There's a lot I want to know about you, but I realize it needs to come out at your own pace and in your own way. If I start getting on tender territory, please tell me. I'll back off. Okay?"
Lee nodded with a relieved grin. He'd said a lot tonight and was beginning to wonder if Amanda's natural curiosity might make a good situation a little uncomfortable. With this request however, he realized she was willing to wait for him to come to her at his own speed.
"At the same time," she continued, "I think you know I'm pretty conservative by today's standards when it comes to the physical side of a relationship."
Lee nodded and smiled to himself. As things had heated up that evening, he'd wondered, and surprisingly had even hoped, she would bring it up.
"It's not that I don't have feelings and desires just like everyone else. It's just that I need to live what I teach my boys. I also want our relationship to be different. I want it to be special. I don't want people to think I'm just one of the names in your little black books."
Her eyes lowered and her voice got quieter. "Lee, I might not be your final destination. But what I cannot be is just a stop along the way... for you or anyone else. I hope you understand."
Time seemed to stand still for Lee as he looked across the cushions at her. Her words pulled at his heart as he realized that, just as she was willing to wait for him, she was asking the same of him for her. It didn't matter that their needs were in different areas... one mental and the other physical. Mutual trust and respect. No one having to prove anything to anyone. Just one step at a time. Being able to stop or even go back a few steps without feeling foolish.
The words "stop along the way" seemed to ring in his ears. How many times had he allowed himself to be just that for women? Many of whom he couldn't even remember their names. Just for the moment. No strings attached. Leave when it gets too tough or too close. Take what you can and then just get up and go and don't take anything with you. Except you did take something. You took the emptiness of one shallow relationship after another with you and pretty soon it became a way of life.
As he sat and watched the expressions of hope and uncertainty on her face as she waited for his answer, he knew she was right. They didn't know if they would be each other's final destination. With the danger and uncertainty of their work, plus everything concerning her family, there was a lot to work through and consider. He did know one thing. This time, he was going to give it his best shot and just hope and pray that things would continue to grow for them into something permanent and fulfilling. He knew he no longer felt empty or like something was missing. He felt accepted, and the warmth that brought him made a lump in his throat.
When he finally spoke, it was with a voice filled with acceptance and agreement. "Yeah, I understand."
"However," he added in a teasing tone. "It's tough to teach an old dog new tricks, so I'm going to need some help here. If you keep looking as great as you do tonight, you might have to push me toward a cold shower on occasion."
Amanda laughed with both relief and humor. "That's okay. If things get any better than they were tonight, I'll be going home to take some of my own. And with that statement, I think I'll go to the refrigerator and get us some more wine."
As she began walking across the room, Lee couldn't help but teasingly add, "Well, if I'm going to be taking cold showers, and you're going to be taking cold showers, do you think we could do our part for water conservation and make the environmentalists happy by taking them together? I mean, after all, you are president of Mothers for a Safer Environment!"
His only answer was a barrage of well-aimed cushions and an exasperated, "I don't believe you!"